‘Iowa Voice’ Needs Your Help!
If you’ve been paying even occasional attention to the plight of our friend on the Right – you will have noticed he’s finding it very difficult to find full employment in this, the strongest economy America has ever known. Fortunately for all involved – the ‘Iowa Voice’ appears to be flush with all the necessary talents to pick himself up by his own bootstraps and perhaps turn what was once only a hobby – into a full-time career.
Thanks to the significant sleuthing talents of a fellow Iowa Undergrounder, who will remain on double-super-secret background throughout the duration of this affair – it has been revealed that the ‘Iowa Voice’ is also a….wait for it….wait….. Frank Sinatra Tribute Singer! – please don’t call him an impersonator. He doesn’t like that.
The good news is that we can all band together and help this unemployed Republican out by booking his act! He does have a few conditions, however – so please read them closely. He’s a man of business as well as an artist, and demands to be taken seriously dammit.
Then you can all loosen your ties, have a double on the rocks, kick back and relax while listening to the Iowa Voice belt out Sinatra’s greatest hits karaoke style via this page. I’m partial to his rendition of ‘Send In The Clowns‘, myself. Sinatra could only dream of having a tremolo like that, baby!
Oh, the Iowa Voice may have called those who post on this blog and our forums ‘whackos’, ‘whack-jobs’, ‘moonbats’ and so on, but I’m here to say no hard feelings, ‘Voice!! You’re a man clearly struggling to find your niche in the new Bush economy and as such, you have our sympathies. We want to help. Since many of us have the skills required to maintain full employment even in these dark times, we’re in a position to perhaps help you out. We want to book your act. Here’s the deal. We’ll book a conference/ball room in the downtown Sheraton in Iowa City – we’ll pay all your expenses as stipulated and even put you up for a night. Whadya say? Let’s make this happen.
- tristero
January 31st, 2006 at 5:04 pm
This is truly the funniest thing I’ve read in a very very long time.
January 31st, 2006 at 5:13 pm
[...] ‘Iowa Voice’ Needs Your Help! Funny stuff. I’m adding these guys to the blogroll immediately. [...]
January 31st, 2006 at 5:21 pm
Big deal. It was never a secret in the first place.
January 31st, 2006 at 5:25 pm
You don’t have to keep that you are unemployed in a shitty economy a secret. People won’t blame you, they’ll blame the idiots in the White House who send all the jobs overseas. Don’t worry, help is coming along in 2008.
January 31st, 2006 at 5:31 pm
You’ve stumbled upon the beauty that is the Iowa Voice, pstans. His life is an open book and we’re the all the richer for it. For you see he’s brought us all the gift of laughter, albeit unwittingly – and that’s a precious thing. That he also lacks the ability to connect the dots between his present unemployed status and Bush economic policy is just the cherry on top.
January 31st, 2006 at 5:33 pm
For your information (not that I care) I’m technically employed, but the position isn’t ready yet. My situation has nothing to with the economy…other than the fact that the Democrats have ran the city of Ottumwa into the ground in the last twenty years.
January 31st, 2006 at 5:42 pm
He’s correct. I remember the gilded streets of Ottumwa of long ago. Sadly, the Libruls came to town and gave all of our money to the darkies who promptly squandered it on lottery tickets and illigitimate meth babies. If somebody would have just done something about those welfare queens driving Cadillacs Ottumwa would still be that shining city on a hill that we all fondly remember.
It’s the city of bridges, ya know!
January 31st, 2006 at 5:43 pm
Are you sure it’s not Bill Clinton’s fault, Brian?
Now if you don’t mind, let’s talk numbers, sir. What will it take to book your act and get this entertainment wagon a rollin’?. Think about it. You can travel to the dark heart of liberalism in Iowa – Iowa City – and represent what is perhaps one of one of the greatest singers in the history of world culture! I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that Sinatra was a big fan of Ronald Reagan. BIG fan. As I’m sure you also know, Ronald Reagan began his career in the state of Iowa at WHO radio.
This brings us to you. You’re the missing link. You represent the continuation of a proud, conservative tradition in the state of Iowa – one that has heretofore been painfully underrepresented from a crooner’s point of view. Throw us some numbers. Let’s make this happen.
January 31st, 2006 at 5:48 pm
Man, business seems to be booming according to the Ottumwa website:
“Ottumwa is growing. A number of sizable developments have spurred a great deal of additional commercial interest in Ottumwa. Locally owned businesses, as well as national corporations continue investing in our community through expansion and/or opening new facilities in Ottumwa. From 1998 through January 2003, our citizens have invested approximately $61,150,000 in commercial, retail, and industrial development.
The City Council’s commitment to the construction of an events center has drawn support from the state, county, private organizations and support pledges of $4 million from individual citizens. There has been a renewed interest in Ottumwa’s downtown, with several new private businesses constructed in the area.
The expanding commercial districts and industrial base make Ottumwa a strong, viable and expanding community. Through progressive partnerships between City government and private business and industry, we are looking forward to an era of growth.”
Rock over Ottumwa!
January 31st, 2006 at 6:00 pm
One more thing, Brian – I don’t mean to rub salt in an open wound or offend a prospective business client, but for the sake of truth and accuracy perhaps you should update the following paragraph from your Sinatra site:
Quite honestly I think it’s a big PLUS that you’re not presently employed full-time. It will hopefully make scheduling you for a gig alot less messy than it might otherwise have been. Would you require a driver to transport you from Ottumwa to Iowa City and back again or will reimbursing you for gas/mileage suffice?
January 31st, 2006 at 6:41 pm
First time I heard that the democrats ruined Ottumwa. Here I thought it was the lack of jobs and dismal environment encouraging the youth to migrate away that was killing the place.
I went to high school there, thought everyone was aware of the ever increasing age of the population being a killer for the place. That and the democrats.
February 1st, 2006 at 6:26 am
... and the methamphetamines. Unfortunately, those Dems in the legislature killed the burgeoning Ottumwa cold medicine market. Those same Dems would have probably banned gold mining in the 1840s too – ya just can’t trust ‘em.
February 3rd, 2006 at 5:59 pm
Well, I think if we ever organize an Iowa Underground shindig we’ll have to hire Brian to croon for us. Not a bad idea. I could see it going down like this: tailgating early Saturday morning, watch the Hawkeyes crush a Big Ten foe, and then meet at the Sheraton to listen to Brian’s Sinatra tribute. I’ll bring the tomatoes. (j/k, Brian—come on, ya gotta have a sense of humor, man.)