As Good As It Gets–The Sequel
I was thinking about the movie As Good As It Gets this morning. Not sure why exactly. But, anyway, I was thinking about the scene in the restaurant when Helen Hunt was about to walk out on Jack Nicholson and said to him “Say something nice to me or I’m leaving.” Jack Nicholson has this pained look on his face and he’s clearly struggling to find the words, to find the part of him that loves this woman and let it out. And just as she’s about to leave he looks up, clear-eyed, and says (best line he’s ever delivered) “You make me want to be a better man.”
It’s the tastiest scene in the movie. It would be too contrite to say that it was Nicholson’s moment of redemption. It was, but to say it so simply perhaps doesn’t do it justice. As I was thinking about it I began to imagine what might happen if there was a sequel. Fast-forward a year later in their lives. Helen Hunt has quit her job as a waitress and has gotten engaged to Nicholson. But one day she runs into a waitress she used to work with at the restaurant. As they’re catching up, Hunt mentions to the woman that she’s engaged. There’s the usual excitement and congratulations. So the waitress asks her “So, who’s the lucky guy?” and Helen tells her that it’s the cantankerous old goat that used to come into the restaurant all the time. The other woman is dumbfounded and asks why, how, when, where—what?!
Helen explains everything and mentions the scene at the restaurant as the turning point when she started to really fall for him. She then goes on to say that he kept putting is foot in his mouth even as they were dating, but less and less so over time. So much less that she mentions that it’s been months since he’s said anything that could be considered remotely mean. In other words, he truly has become a better man through his relationship with her. But not only has he become kinder and gentler with her, he’s become kinder and gentler with everyone. The waitress is bewildered but uplifted by this story. She mentions to Helen that she still works at the restaurant and says that the two of them should drop by the restaurant sometime—”You have to! No one there will believe it and they’ll think I’m nuts if you don’t. Please come by!”
Hunt says she’ll try to do that. But as she’s walking home she’s troubled. Does she want to revisit the “scene of the crime” so to speak? What if he hasn’t truly changed and going back to the restaurant “breaks the spell.” She’s conflicted. When she gets home she decides to tell him about the encounter to see how he’ll react. At first he’s surprised and excited about this happenstance meeting. But when she mentions that the waitress had asked them to go back to the restaurant he blanches. He finds himself confronted by old demons. He covers it up well enough and says simply “Yeah, maybe we’ll do that sometime.” Helen can see the doubt in his face but says nothing. They awkwardly end the conversation and go about their business. Over the next few days Nicholson starts transforming into the callous old fart he was before he started dating Hunt. It comes to a head when he makes a particularly cruel comment about … something (does it matter?—maybe).
She slaps him, leaves his apartment in tears, and goes to her mother’s house. Nicholson frets over his regression and tries to get back together with her over the next couple of weeks. He looks up Greg Kinnear (the gay character who Nicholson befriended in the movie) who is now painting again and has gotten back on his feet. He explains the situation and asks his help in getting her back. A bunch of funny, stupid shit ensues (perhaps even the formulaic things-get-even-worse-before-they-get-better). Eventually, Nicholson gets a face-to-face with Hunt again. It’s a struggle but the scene proves to be as tasty as the one I was writing about in the first paragraph.
There are a number of possibilities for how that scene could play out. Nicholson apologizes, profusely, for his recent bout of cruelty. He lets her know that for some reason the thought of the old restaurant triggered something in him that sort of let loose the old demons. He tries to talk her into getting back together with him, but Hunt hems and haws. Nicholson eventually says the “right thing” as he did in the actual movie and Hunt’s heart melts again. But as she was in the movie, she’s wary even at this moment. She tests him (perhaps you could say pushes him) and says that she’ll go on a date with him tomorrow—at the restaurant where they met (obviously, as a trial to see if he has truly turned the corner and won’t just relapse again the next time something from his past comes up). Nicholson gives her a look that suggests he wouldn’t mind strangling her, but catches himself, takes a deep breath, and quietly nods his head.
The next day they meet outside the restaurant. It’s an awkward meeting as you might imagine. Nicholson is fidgety and extremely nervous; Hunt is cautiously friendly but also seems to be regretting her decision. They both seem about ready to abandon their lunch date and go their separate ways (perhaps forever—yeah, riiiight; granted, it would be a hell of a thing for an As Good As It Gets sequel to deliver a body blow by ending their relationship). But just as they’re about to part ways, looking sadly but resignedly into one another’s eyes, the waitress that Hunt ran into earlier walks up and says “Oh my God, you weren’t kidding! Wow, blah, blah, blah.” She blabbers for a bit and pulls them into the restaurant as both Nicholson and Hunt weakly protest. She announces to everyone in the restaurant “See, I told you they were together! [turns to Hunt] They’ve been making fun of me for weeks—not that I blame them. I was even beginning to wonder if it was true.”
So the waitress eventually seats them at a table and everyone’s eyes are on them. The manager comes over and offers them a bottle of wine. Blah, blah, blah. Nicholson’s fidgety but starts off okay. Hunt is nervous as hell. Jack tries to apologize to the waitress for his boorish behavior from years past. He does well at first and she and the rest of the restaurant seem touched. However, he steps into it again somehow. Not out of meanness, though, just out of nervousness. Hunt yells at him, apologizes to the waitress, and starts for the door in tears. Nicholson stands up and bellows “Don’t leave!” Hunt stops in her tracks, turns slowly, and asks him to give her one good reason why she shouldn’t. He thinks for a moment and says, “I can’t give you one.”
He then launches into the type of monologue that you typically see at the end of romantic comedies. He mentions that it was at this restaurant that he discovered that Helen was the most wonderful person in the world. He also mentions, again, that he felt special for being the only one who could see that she was. But coming here again he says that he realizes why he was the only one who saw it: he was the worst person in the world. No one else could see that she was so special because with others Hunt didn’t need to show it—in other words, what was special about her was that she was actually kind enough to tolerate the worst man in the world. No one else could see it because they weren’t so horrible. It didn’t take a special person to accept them for who they were because they were good people (at this he looks around the room). Only the worst person in the world could ever recognize the best person in the world.
Nicholson goes on to say that this is what hit him when Helen had said she’d run into the waitress from the old restaurant. This realization came over him and he was confronted with how horrible of a human being he had been in the past and it overwhelmed him. He began to wonder if he wasn’t still that horrible person. He says that he’s not sure if he’ll ever be anything but a man struggling to be something more than the worst person in the world. Can’t think of anything else but clearly something else has to be said for Hunt to go back with him. So let’s say he says that perfect thing finally and then Hunt races back into his arms and they kiss and the restaurant cheers (yada, yada, yada).
At the end of the movie, the two are strolling through Central Park and Jack says to Helen “You know, if you had left me at the restaurant you would’ve proven me wrong about you.” Helen says, “What do you mean?” Jack: “Only the best person in the world could ever love the worst person in the world.”
There. See how easy it is to write romantic comedies? Typed that up in about an hour this morning. Never mind the most obvious flaw (that Helen Hunt clearly isn’t the best person in the world). She only loves Nicholson after he proves that he is not actually the worst man in the world by changing into a better man. She’s not the Christ figure that Nicholson made her out to be (both in the actual movie and in my little sequel). But, hey, that’s Hollywood.
—loquacious
December 19th, 2005 at 7:18 pm
I really loathe romantic-comedies but enjoyed reading your formulaic and probably relatively spot-on pitch of a likely sequel. What I’d like to see more of from Hollywood is occasional hints of originality and actual imagination. I’d like to see a film start off being one thing then metamorphize into something else. For example – an action-adventure flick transforms into philosophical exploration movie ala My Dinner With Andre’. Or, have a cliche’d romantic comedy suddenly morph into revelatory documentary that leaves you with a new understanding of the universe.
Commerce has hammered away such potential explorations for the sake of the safe buck. As a consequence, we have formulaic schlock regurgitated and fed back to us as if a new dish. Actual imagination and innovation is forever pushed to the peripheries of our awareness. It’s yet another reason to suspect that we actually do live in a parallel backward universe – where monkeys are allowed to become kings amongst other unsavory realities.
December 19th, 2005 at 8:05 pm
“I’d like to see a film start off being one thing then metamorphize into something else.”
It’s funny you mention that. I’ve thought about that a lot, too, especially with the more formulaic movies (regardless of genre). What would also be great would be a case where an action star—say, Bruce Willis in Die Hard—goes about his business as normal for the first half of the movie. He’s kicking ass and taking names, playing the typical American testosterone clown using common sense and bravado to get the bad guys. But at a critical point in the movie when the action star typically takes out the villain by overcoming incredible odds (God, the cliches are endless) he instead freezes and loses his nerve.
Imagine the villain putting a knife to his wife’s throat not knowing Willis is right behind him about ready to blow his brains out. But instead of doing it Willis breaks into a cold sweat. While he’s paralyzed with fear the villain slits his wife’s throat and carries out the rest of the terrorist attack without ever knowing that Willis was about to kill him. Willis falls to his knees sobbing. The overweight black cop calls Willis on his cell phone and Bruce can’t even bring himself to answer it. Meanwhile, the terrorists get away with the money and kill all the hostages. The police find Willis curled up in a fetal position. He’s in a catatonic state. They take him to a psychiatric ward somewhere in LA. The news reports are blasting the FBI and the local police for allowing the terrorists to get away. The police and FBI respond by releasing details of the phone transmissions of Willis and the overweight cop and put the blame on the two of them (particularly Willis, the rogue cop from New York).
Willis meanwhile is trying to kill himself at every opportunity only to be thwarted by psychiatric staff. The overweight cop is relieved of duty. As the media investigates the FBI’s failed rescue/assassination attempt that resulted in a helicopter flying into the LA high rise and causing millions and millions of dollars in damages (not to mention several deaths), a videotape of Willis freezing while watching his wife being murdered is aonymously released to the public. Willis’s name becomes synonymous with coward and conspiracy theories abound as to whether he was actually in on the terrorist plot. For obvious political reasons, the FBI and the local police encourage these theories by launching investigations into Willis’s (and the overweight cop’s) backgrounds.
You could go on or go in a totally different direction. But you’re absolutely right, tristero. Especially within such well-worn genres as action/adventures and romantic comedies, some new twists of some sort would be nice. And why not make them major reworkings of the narratives instead of relatively meaningless variations of the same stale plots?
December 19th, 2005 at 8:21 pm
I like this game. Let’s imagine a world where Nora Ephron’s magnum opus ‘When Harry Meets Sally’ leaves Meg and Billy feeling profoundly indifferent about one another at the end. The end-credits roll with them shrugging their shoulders and walking in opposite directions – no music, just silence. A Beckettian spin on an otherwise humdrum film experience.
Or perhaps the first 1/3 of the movie develops as most romantic comedies do – with all accumulating clues leading towards the promise of a looming conjugal bliss – then Meg winds up developing into a sadistic killer of men whose only satifaction in life comes from eating soup out of the scooped out craniums of her ex-lovers – with Billy simply being her latest dish.
We brushed upon movie cliche’s on the board – here’s the URL again for those coming at the subject as if for the first time. Everyone is an expert since we all live in the damn culture to begin with so many of these should resonate…via WIKIPEDIA: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Listofmovie_cliches
I’d pay admission to a movie that took a bundle of those cliche’s and simply reversed them. Imagine going to a movie and actually being hark surprised!
December 19th, 2005 at 10:46 pm
I love it! Meg Ryan as a serial killer in a romatic comedy gone bad. That’d be great. Great wikipedia link, too. I especially liked this one:
“When a couple is in bed, the sheets cover the woman’s chest but leave the man’s chest exposed. When the woman gets out of bed, she covers herself with the sheet, as if she doesn’t want the man she just had sex with to see her naked.”
A nice twist would be to see a celebrity like Angelina Jolie coming on to Brad Pitt in bed while they are under the sheets. It’s the middle of a typical spy thriller with plenty of action cliches and special effects and it appears that they’re about to have sex for the first time. He pouts, tells her he has a headache, and pushes her away while yanking the sheet up to his neck and off of her body completely exposing her unshaved, untrimmed bush. She looks at her crotch and says “I’m not sure which of you is the bigger pussy.” He starts wimpering and Jolie rolls her eyes. She gets out of bed, walks into the kitchen buck naked, sees a fruit bowl on the counter, and grabs a sizable banana. She looks at it, smirks, and starts walking toward the bathroom. Halfway there she stops, turns back, and grabs a smaller, withered, and blackened plantain. She goes back into the bedroom and pulls the sheets off of Pitt exposing his naked body. With a look of shock and horror on his face he looks down at his limp, shriveled dick and then back to Jolie. She holds up the ripe banana and the over-ripe plantain and asks him “Which one do you think I should go with: this rotten, withered plantain or this thick, ripe banana?” Pitt blinks and looks at the camera. Jolie tosses the plantain at his junk, smiles, and gives the banana a nice slow stroke before turning to head toward the bathroom.
Meanwhile, Pitt begins to weep again. After a few moments he opens the drawer of the nightstand beside the bed and pulls out letter opener. Still in tears, he proceeds to dismember himself in disgust. He’s screaming and crying out in pain but he keeps at it for a good minute (perhaps off-camera but maybe not; NC-17, no?). Jolie comes back into the bedroom to see what the fuss is about. She stares at Pitt who has stopped hacking at himself and seems to be in shock. Pitt turns to look at her and notices that there is blood running down her leg. Angelina looks down and realizes she’s having her period. She looks back at him, smiles, and says “Hey, maybe we are meant for each other. We’re both bleeders!” Pitt blinks and again looks at the camera. Then looks back at her and they both start laughing hysterically. They embrace in a big bloody heep on the bed and Jolie starts grinding on his disfigured member. Pitt is screaming out in pain but it’s clear that he’s getting off on it.
As this is happening a rodent scurries across the floor. Then another. Then three more. Soon there are dozens of rats congregating in the middle of the room on the floor. They’re all piling onto each other and appear to be having an orgy. Pitt and Jolie turn their heads and look at the spectacle. At first they have a look of horror on their faces. Then they beginning to grin maniacally. They jump on the floor and start biting the heads off the rodents and smothering the rat blood all over their bodies. The surviving rats scurry away.
A loud thud coming from the living room brings them to a halt. They look at each other for a moment before scrambling for their respective guns. Another thud from the LR, then another. Pretty soon it’s rhythmic. The lights begin to flicker along with the beat. Jolie and Pitt stumble about disoriented. They begin chanting and making clicking noises with their tongues. Jolie starts screeching like a harpie and Pitt starts banging his head against the wall next to the bed. The scene goes in and out of focus with the beat. The colors of the scene begin running and eventually the scene melts away until everything is white. The thudding has stopped and there is just a low hum.
A small table appears in a flash and disappears just as quickly. Ten seconds go by and the table reappears with a chess board with pieces scattered about it as if in the middle of a game. A CGI George W. Bush walks from out of frame onto the right side of the screen. He stops when he gets to the table and stares down at it for a few seconds. He looks up and then toward the camera. He stares for a few seconds and then looks back at the chess board and picks up the white queen. He moves it across the board and places it next to the black king. He then picks up a white rook and places it next to the black king. He then picks up a white bishop and places it next to the black king.
Saddam Hussein then walks from out of frame onto the left side of the screen. He stops when he gets to the table. He looks at Bush and then down at the chess board. Then he looks back up at Bush. Bush looks up from the chess board at Saddam. Their eyes lock and they stare at each other for a moment. Saddam asks “Is it my move?” Bush stares back and says nothing. “Saddam asks again “Is it my move?” Bush again says nothing. Saddam reaches for the black king and picks it up off the table. He puts it in his pocket and walks off the screen. Bush opens his mouth but says nothing. After a few moments he turns to the camera and says “weapons of mass destruction.”
In a flash Jolie and Pitt swing into the scene on vines from off camera up above. They’re naked and covered in blood. In their best Hannah Barbara voices they repeatedly jabber “Which way did he do go, George, which way did he go?” George opens his mouth but says nothing. They continue to jabber for a few moments and then stop. They continue to fidget, but begin to slow down and eventually become completely still. Bush then closes his mouth, looks down at the board, picks up the white king, and puts it in his pocket. He looks at them and says “weapons of mass destruction.” Brad and Angelina’s eyes bulge, they look at each other with their mouths agape, and then run off toward the camera until they pass it off screen on either side. George takes the white king out of his pocket and puts it back on the board. The he turns and walks back to the right until he’s off camera.
Colors bleed down the screen until the scene comes into focus: Jolie and Pitt are riding an MX missile ala Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove. They’re still buck naked covered in blood. They appear to be hurtling toward the ocean in the middle of nowhere. They eventually slip off the bomb and plummet toward the sea as the bomb continues its trajectory. Just as they’re about to hit the water, George W. Bush who swoops in on a vine to grab them. He’s dressed in a Navy flight suit. Indiana Jones music blares on the soundtrack. They land safely on the flight deck of an air craft carrier. where hundreds of Navy seamen are cheering wildly. Everyone smiles grandly for a moment before Jolie and Pitt turn to face Bush. They give each other knowing looks and then Bush arches his back and brings himself to attention. Jolie and Pitt then do the same. Bush then salutes them and Pitt and Jolie embarrassingly salute back. Bush ends his saluet as do Jolie and Pitt. Brad opens his mouth but before he can say anything Bush puts a finger to his lips and shakes his head. Bush turns to the crew of the ship and says “Let’s get these agents some clothes. They’ve got a date with an evildoer!” The crew erupts again and then scrambles to find a suit.
Bush, meanwhile, nods his head and runs over the side of the ship into the ocean. An admiral walks up to Pitt and Jolie, smiles, shakes his head, and says “I know you’re mavericks, but you’re the best damn anti-terrorist agents I’ve ever seen. Come on, I’ll brief you in my quarters. Oh, nice foliage, by the way. Ever think of trimming the hedges, woman?” Pitt and Jolie turn to look at each other and then the three of them turn to walk toward the bridge while having big laugh. As the camera follows them it rises to peer over the edge of the ship’s deck into the ocean. GWB is nowhere to be seen.
Then the movie goes back to being your run-of-the-mill spy thriller.